Horrible thoughts

I have no idea why I feel the way I do inside and I know that it probably isn’t ok, but I don’t know what to do.  I am so scared about all the things that may happen over the course of the next three months and I don’t know who to talk to that will just listen.  All’s they need to do is listen.  I don’t want advice and I don’t want to feel guilty.  I don’t want to keep all this inside annymore.   The one person I would call and talk to is no longer there.  She promised me that she would be here til I was 40.  I know that is selfish, but she was so sick and I know she didn’t feel good.  But I needed her and I wasn’t ready for her to leave.  I miss her so much. 

So, pretending that I am able to talk to her right now, this is what we would talk about:

I usually called and on good days she heard pretty well.  I saw at the store they had these things you can put on your phone to help elderly hear, I thought about sending them to her.  We would talk about some of her current treatments and what she ate that day and then she would ask me how my family was doing.  I remember when I was in college she wanted so bad for me to get married and settle down.  But I wasn’t at that place in my life.  She convienced herself for awhile that I would never get married.  Well, I did and I love my husband very much.  The one thing that I couldn’t wait for and wanted so bad was to get pregnant and she see my baby.

I remember calling her and telling her that I was pregnant.  She was so excited.  After every Dr. appointment I would call her and give her the update.  When we found out that we might have a boy, I called and told her and she was so upset.  She wanted a little girl so bad.  She, like sean, was convienced they were wrong.  But when we confirmed at our next ultrasound that it was a boy, she wanted proof.  She wanted to see a picture.  But, VIncent was not in the best position to get a clear picture.  So for Mothers Day, the card I sent I added an ultrasound picture for her.  She got it a couple of days before she passed.  I was able to tell her the name and she said she liked it and Grandpa would be happy. 

We talked about a lot about Sean being gone over the next year and having the baby.  She felt so bad for that.  She would tell me stories about how hard it was for her when grandpa would leave.  When we were cleaning her room, we found a book that grandpa had made for her that contained all the letters he wrote for her while he was away.  He wrote her almost everyday while he was gone for about three weeks.  Everyday.  Each day was atleast a page, he loved her so much.

We always talked about Jade.  She was concerned about his mother and her lack of involvement.  You know, this is one thing that drives me NUTS.  I know I didn’t give birth to Jade.  I know that sometimes Jade and I don’t see eye to eye.  BUT, I am the one that is here EVERYDAY.  I see that he gets up in the morning and gets ready for school.  I take him to school, volunter in his class room when I am able to, go on school field trips, buy supples for him, clothes, take him to Dr. App. listen to him read, do homework, gets him ready for bed, is there in every form.  I do it because that’s what I would think moms do.  When vincent and hopefuly others, get older I will be there to do the same exact thing.  The only difference is they came out of me.  I don’t want Jade to ever feel that there is him and then there are my kids.  I do not treat Jade differently then I think that I will handle other situations, but it hurts SO bad when I am told I am a baby sitter.  The last night we were in California, Seans brother Devon made the comment that I knew about what ever it was because I was a mom.  Seans mom then said, no she isn’t, she is just pregnant.  Hmm… K. Thanks.  I just went to bed.  I changed my life so drasticaly when I moved here and wanted to make Sean, Jade and me work as a family.  Jade deserves a family.  But I guess he gets is A dad and a glorified babysitter.  Thanks.

So Jades mom decided that it isn’t my place to raise Jade while sean is gone, its hers.  Fine.  She is his mom and he loves her very much.  But the paperwork that she submited to the courts was absolutly ridiculous.  It was so unfair I wanted to scream.  Yes the last eight months has not be the ideal situation, but we have made  it work.  We made decisions that were hard, but we felt were the best for our family.  I don’t expect Stephanie to walk up to me and say, Alicia, thank you.  Thank you for taking care of Jade because I haven’t been there.  I don’t expect any awards or recongnition.  But what I would like to see is everyone realizing that Jade is a real person that wants a normal life.  Stop creating waves that makes him think that what he has is not ok. 

So we probably wouldn’t of been on the phone longer then a half an hour or so.  She would start coughing or would get tired.  She got tired really easily.  So we would get off the phone with the promise I would call within the next couple of days.  She told me a couple of months ago, that even though she doesn’t call me I am still to call her.  She was always bad about keeping in touch, but thats ok.  I was able to call.  I loved my grandmother very very much.  She helped form me into the woman that I am today.  I am thankful for all the wonderful memories that I have of her.  She was a strong woman that always made sacrifices for herself.  I remember the few things she found “sacried” was her Ben and Jerrys Ice cream and her coke she would have after we all were supposed to be in bed.  She was so generious with her love.  She always had love to pass out.  She is very special and I wish that she touched everyones lives like she touched mine.  Even though she isn’t physicaly here.  I know she is with me.

 

 

 

 

The Rock

All the ladies from work get together about once a month and we all go to dinner.  Tonights the night.  Sean is at  drill so he won’t be there, but the final count was 13 people I think.  So Jade and I will head over to the rock pizzaria at 6 and put our group on the waiting list.  The last time Sean, Jade Shauna, Soc, baby and I all went we waited for almost two hours to get seated.    Hopefully we will be seated by the time everyone gets there about seven.  I LOVE their house salads.  Yummy.  Sean asked me to bring home left overs so he can eat them tomorrow.

Jades Tooth

Jade’s top tooth has been lose forever and we have tried explaining to him  that he has to play with it so it falls out.  About the last week it was in, the tooth just to the side of it was moving further and further away.  It looked like he had already lost a tooth, but hadn’t.  So the other day I was getting off work and decided to pick Jade up instead of riding the bus.  When I got there he wasn’t in the bus line but all of his stuff was.  So I picked it up and headed to the office.  RIght when I walked in the office lady started to tell me about the whole ordeal and Jade and his tooth.

Sometime during lunch or right after lunch Jades tooth was bleeding so he went to the Nurse.  She thought the tooth had already come out and was going to give him s “super cool tooth key chain” that they give kids to keep their teeth safe until they get home.  So Jade now knows he gets something really cool if he looses he tooth.  He went back to the office after school got out to check to see if the office was still open and it was, so he went to extended day for reading and played with his tooth the entire class then after school was out he went back to the office and right when I walked in, He yanked it out.  HE knew that the tooth had to be lost at school and since I was there, he would have to go home.

So the tooth is finally out and he recieved $3 from the tooth fairy.

Its a baby

Here is the babies first photo.  We will be getting the “offical” ultra sound on the 12 and then we are making an appointment to get the 3D imaging done, or as Ava calls them The chocolate baby picture.

Walking the dog

From the time I get off work tue-thurs I have over an hour before Jade gets home.  So today I decided that I was going to take Calie for a walk.  I put on my shoes that she had riped out the inserts, I didn’t know where they were at didn’t bother to find them.

So about a mile into the walk my feet really started hurting, but I was a mile from home.  My feet hurt so incredibly bad by the time I got home.  I have blisters all over the bottom of my feet.  I have no idea what I am going to do for work tomorrow…

Yesterday’s Game

Jade had another game last night and when got there I looked at his pants and realized he wasn’t wearring his “cup”.  So I drove all the way home to get it (since the HUGE ordeal that happened the first game).  Along with an undershirt becuase it was FREEZING.  So, Mike (seans dad) come over and I gave him the shirt and asked him to get Jade so he could go in to porta-potty and put the shirt on and put the cup in.  Appearently Mike thinks it is ok to do all of this out in the open.  Fine is jade is like 2 put hellloooo he is almost 8, not ok.  SO they went into the porta potty and jade came out and gave me the cup.  He put the underwear on backwards or inside out or something and Mike said not to worry about it.  I said No, this is part of your uniform and you can’t play unless your wearring one.  well mike told him no one will know and it is ok.  Thank you mike for telling Jade it is ok to lie.  Sean and I are working so hard to get Jade to stop lying.  He unwillingly went and put it on.  Gosh those things are sooo stupid. 

 It irratates me that when ever he gets up to bat all the parents are like oh Jade’s up.  I wanted to day hey, he has gotten on base everytime he has been up except twice.  Out of 4 games 8 x at bat, that is pretty darn good.  In that, he has gotten two runs, taged out at first once (that was last night, he thought that ball was going to be a foul and hesitated,) So over all on outs he has only given the team 3 outs.  Ugh.  I am sorry that he wasn’t on the team the last three years and he is a little slow in the out field.  But all of the cordination it takes will come with time.  It was pretty funny at one point becuase I heard Jades teammate say, “I got a run last game, but the umpire called it out, but i really wasn’t.”  Wait until the kids put together that Jades papa is the umpire.  He may get all heck for it.  So far the are 0 wins 2losses and 2 ties.  Keep it up Fierce Flames….

He was on the phone with his mom a little while ago and he was saying that he will do good at the game on saturday.  Then saying that he had to get a run to get a point?  From putting tidbits together, she has him on this crazy point system and how knows what he gets.  But this is his first real season playing, why put any more pressure on him then there is already??

 

spring cleaning day

Tomorow is our spring clean day which we need becuase when we moved in the old owners left so much stuff behind.  I was able to clean out the garage and reorganize somethings.  I put out a lot of large things like Jades old bunkbed (which from the move was missing all the screws and sean had thrown out the slide a few years ago) Jades old bike, DVD rack, a bar stool, a old hanging lamp and a couple of car seats and then a ton of bagged stuff. 

Well the roofers left some boxed stuff out and it was rainning, so I went and moved the two boxes to under the porch and I would say half of our pile is gone.  It is great.  I love to know that even though we couldn’t use or didn’t need the stuff, someone does and they didn’t feel scared to take it.  I wish I would of seen them becuase the bed had these really cool tent things that were in the grabage bag next to the pile.  But I know they didn’t want to be seen.  My MIL tried to take a rocking chair that was in someones garbage pile and when she got the nerve up to actualy take it, it was gone.  So no baby rocker yet, but we still have s few months.

INVADED!

Ok so the first sign of the invasion was the monster spider in the kitchen a few days ago.  I made myself believe that it was dead….(even though I really knew it wasn’t)  The mouse poop in the spoon drawer and the closer I looked today EVERYWHERE in my kitchen…. Back to the spider, I picked jade up from the bus and walked in the front door and I was headed to the bathroom upstairs and noticed the spider sitting atop of the stair case glearing at me. ok maybe not really… So I knew it was my chance to “take care”of it.  Jade (thinking the spider is dead) tries running past me while doing the pee-pee dance.  I stood in front of the stairs and directed him down stairs (trilevel house) I killed the spider and sent it outside hopefully to never see it again. (karma)

Last night I was sitting on the chair diligantly working on Aubreys blanket.  I looked up to see a GIANT raccoon staring at me. So I got calies attention and I thought she would scare it and the thing would run away.  No not really.  The raccoon could of cared less about the dog.  I watched the raccoon as it curiously looked though the glass.  I noticed that it wasn’t walking on its back foot, so I was like it’s hurt needs some sort of attention, but who do I call??? 911??? No, she didn’t care.  While I was trying to figure out this stupid raccoon’s problem, I looked out the window again and it was gone.  I sat back down and saw something moving on the lattice outside….It was the raccoon.  Somehow this stupid thing climbed on top of the balcony and was hanging out.  After seeing that I could of cared less about it’s stupid foot.  Appearently it is not bother it.  Two hours later it was gone.

I let Calie out to use the bathroom and she went to the bushes and she found a rat. 

Today after Jades baseball game (he got his second run today) I was going to put a liner in the garbage can and a little tiny mouse was stuck in the garbage.   AUGH.  Do I kill it or let it go????  This isn’t a spider, I can’t just kill the mouse.  So I left it in the garbage and thought about it.  I ended up take the garbage outside and the little mouse was let go.  I know that it probably will end up inside the house again, but we are going to put decon out. 

As of now, this is everything, but I think I am done.  All these little varmens can hang out at someone else place. (from what my neighbor said, the mice in her house hang out behind the dishwasher and she catches them and then lets them go again. SOMEONE needs to kill these little things, or we are going to keep getting them….)

SPIDER!!!!

So I am sitting down stairs typing an email to Heather, Seans sister, and Jade jumps down the stairs screaming.  I thought he saw a mouse (which I found dropings in our spoon drawer….) But oh he saw a spider that he said was as big as his Alvin and the Chickmunks CD.  I was like calm down, there is no spider in the house that big.  SO I asked him to show me (which I HATE spiders, but I need to be calm so I don’t escalate the situation) and sure enough this spider WAS HUGE.  I didn’t want to step on it, becuase it would of gone everywhere and so I asked Jade to go and get something to squirt it with.  Three objects later, I went to spray it and it was GONE!  I couldn’t believe it.  Finally it ran out of its hiding place and I sprayed hair spray at it and then it was gone again.  Deep into the crack of the dish washer.  UGH.  Probably to double in size and take over my kitchen.  The next time I see that thing, I am sure it is going to be the size of the Spider in Lord of the Rings.

Finding a “cup”

I took Jade tonight to find a cup at Big 5 and the guy kept asking me all sorts of questions, I had no clue.  Poor Jade was just standing there and I asked him if he want a cup that had special underwear or one that had straps. LOL.  He just looked at me and was like stop talking and just grabbed the underwear one.  I asked if he needed to try it on and he was looked at it and then thought and was like no, were good.  Oh the things that Dad’s need to do.  But we made it through it.  We even picked up a few extra items.