Alesh1209’s Weblog

I have no idea why I feel the way I do inside and I know that it probably isn’t ok, but I don’t know what to do.  I am so scared about all the things that may happen over the course of the next three months and I don’t know who to talk to that will just listen.  All’s they need to do is listen.  I don’t want advice and I don’t want to feel guilty.  I don’t want to keep all this inside annymore.   The one person I would call and talk to is no longer there.  She promised me that she would be here til I was 40.  I know that is selfish, but she was so sick and I know she didn’t feel good.  But I needed her and I wasn’t ready for her to leave.  I miss her so much. 

So, pretending that I am able to talk to her right now, this is what we would talk about:

I usually called and on good days she heard pretty well.  I saw at the store they had these things you can put on your phone to help elderly hear, I thought about sending them to her.  We would talk about some of her current treatments and what she ate that day and then she would ask me how my family was doing.  I remember when I was in college she wanted so bad for me to get married and settle down.  But I wasn’t at that place in my life.  She convienced herself for awhile that I would never get married.  Well, I did and I love my husband very much.  The one thing that I couldn’t wait for and wanted so bad was to get pregnant and she see my baby.

I remember calling her and telling her that I was pregnant.  She was so excited.  After every Dr. appointment I would call her and give her the update.  When we found out that we might have a boy, I called and told her and she was so upset.  She wanted a little girl so bad.  She, like sean, was convienced they were wrong.  But when we confirmed at our next ultrasound that it was a boy, she wanted proof.  She wanted to see a picture.  But, VIncent was not in the best position to get a clear picture.  So for Mothers Day, the card I sent I added an ultrasound picture for her.  She got it a couple of days before she passed.  I was able to tell her the name and she said she liked it and Grandpa would be happy. 

We talked about a lot about Sean being gone over the next year and having the baby.  She felt so bad for that.  She would tell me stories about how hard it was for her when grandpa would leave.  When we were cleaning her room, we found a book that grandpa had made for her that contained all the letters he wrote for her while he was away.  He wrote her almost everyday while he was gone for about three weeks.  Everyday.  Each day was atleast a page, he loved her so much.

We always talked about Jade.  She was concerned about his mother and her lack of involvement.  You know, this is one thing that drives me NUTS.  I know I didn’t give birth to Jade.  I know that sometimes Jade and I don’t see eye to eye.  BUT, I am the one that is here EVERYDAY.  I see that he gets up in the morning and gets ready for school.  I take him to school, volunter in his class room when I am able to, go on school field trips, buy supples for him, clothes, take him to Dr. App. listen to him read, do homework, gets him ready for bed, is there in every form.  I do it because that’s what I would think moms do.  When vincent and hopefuly others, get older I will be there to do the same exact thing.  The only difference is they came out of me.  I don’t want Jade to ever feel that there is him and then there are my kids.  I do not treat Jade differently then I think that I will handle other situations, but it hurts SO bad when I am told I am a baby sitter.  The last night we were in California, Seans brother Devon made the comment that I knew about what ever it was because I was a mom.  Seans mom then said, no she isn’t, she is just pregnant.  Hmm… K. Thanks.  I just went to bed.  I changed my life so drasticaly when I moved here and wanted to make Sean, Jade and me work as a family.  Jade deserves a family.  But I guess he gets is A dad and a glorified babysitter.  Thanks.

So Jades mom decided that it isn’t my place to raise Jade while sean is gone, its hers.  Fine.  She is his mom and he loves her very much.  But the paperwork that she submited to the courts was absolutly ridiculous.  It was so unfair I wanted to scream.  Yes the last eight months has not be the ideal situation, but we have made  it work.  We made decisions that were hard, but we felt were the best for our family.  I don’t expect Stephanie to walk up to me and say, Alicia, thank you.  Thank you for taking care of Jade because I haven’t been there.  I don’t expect any awards or recongnition.  But what I would like to see is everyone realizing that Jade is a real person that wants a normal life.  Stop creating waves that makes him think that what he has is not ok. 

So we probably wouldn’t of been on the phone longer then a half an hour or so.  She would start coughing or would get tired.  She got tired really easily.  So we would get off the phone with the promise I would call within the next couple of days.  She told me a couple of months ago, that even though she doesn’t call me I am still to call her.  She was always bad about keeping in touch, but thats ok.  I was able to call.  I loved my grandmother very very much.  She helped form me into the woman that I am today.  I am thankful for all the wonderful memories that I have of her.  She was a strong woman that always made sacrifices for herself.  I remember the few things she found “sacried” was her Ben and Jerrys Ice cream and her coke she would have after we all were supposed to be in bed.  She was so generious with her love.  She always had love to pass out.  She is very special and I wish that she touched everyones lives like she touched mine.  Even though she isn’t physicaly here.  I know she is with me.

All the ladies from work get together about once a month and we all go to dinner.  Tonights the night.  Sean is at  drill so he won’t be there, but the final count was 13 people I think.  So Jade and I will head over to the rock pizzaria at 6 and put our group on the waiting list.  The last time Sean, Jade Shauna, Soc, baby and I all went we waited for almost two hours to get seated.    Hopefully we will be seated by the time everyone gets there about seven.  I LOVE their house salads.  Yummy.  Sean asked me to bring home left overs so he can eat them tomorrow.

Jade’s top tooth has been lose forever and we have tried explaining to him  that he has to play with it so it falls out.  About the last week it was in, the tooth just to the side of it was moving further and further away.  It looked like he had already lost a tooth, but hadn’t.  So the other day I was getting off work and decided to pick Jade up instead of riding the bus.  When I got there he wasn’t in the bus line but all of his stuff was.  So I picked it up and headed to the office.  RIght when I walked in the office lady started to tell me about the whole ordeal and Jade and his tooth.

Sometime during lunch or right after lunch Jades tooth was bleeding so he went to the Nurse.  She thought the tooth had already come out and was going to give him s “super cool tooth key chain” that they give kids to keep their teeth safe until they get home.  So Jade now knows he gets something really cool if he looses he tooth.  He went back to the office after school got out to check to see if the office was still open and it was, so he went to extended day for reading and played with his tooth the entire class then after school was out he went back to the office and right when I walked in, He yanked it out.  HE knew that the tooth had to be lost at school and since I was there, he would have to go home.

So the tooth is finally out and he recieved $3 from the tooth fairy.